messianic | OOC/IC » Voicemail

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OOC/IC » Voicemail

[There is a bit of a pause, perhaps slightly longer than it should have been, but only slightly, and then--]

You've reached the SFC of Minato Arisato. Sorry, I'm not here right now, but if you leave a message, I'll try to get back to you when I can.

Thank you.

[Click!

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[The reply is prompt.]

Of course. Would you like to speak in person?

[ ... His isn't nearly as prompt. ]

[ Effy's words as of their last meeting still bounce around his head. It's just Effy. ]

[ ... ]

[ It was... for her safety. For her own good. ]

Edited 2011-07-19 05:18 (UTC)

[...so Ryoji told him without telling him anything. Of course he'll look after her. That's a given.

So his response is simple and to the point and quick.]

What happened?

[ He has been crying. It is obvious. ]

She wouldn't listen to me! I asked her not to come here but she wouldn't listen or believe me, and I just--

[ He swallows. ]

I... I didn't want to wake you. I didn't expect it to get to that. But it's not... like I could have hidden what I was from her forever. I... I didn't tell her what happened to you. But she knows about me. She wouldn't listen... I told her I'm afraid of hurting the people I care for and she wouldn't believe I was dangerous...

[ ... He bites back the urge to make muffled sob, and smiles. Forced. Pained. ]

[...a very, very quiet sigh. The slightest of sighs.

...He isn't angry. Nor is his voice cold. It's just calm and level.]

What did you do to her, Ryoji-kun?

[It's not precisely an accusation, either. He just...wants Ryoji to elaborate. To explain himself in a way that isn't so scattered.

So that he can fix things. Again.]

[ Somehow, that is more painful than anything else to him in the world, like knife to his heart. He wonders... is it disappointment? Exasperation? Or just... tiredness?

Tired of dealing with him? ]

... Sometimes I wonder if I should stop trying.

[ To be anything, or do anything good. ]

I told her not to... I just... I wasn't sure about myself. I wasn't exactly in the... safest state. It feels like something is broken and I can't fix it...

[ He looks down. ]

I can't give up. I won't. But... what good does it do when all my efforts keep coming out the wrong way? I didn't hurt her, but she wouldn't believe me... so I picked her up. I want her to understand that I'm not safe.

[ ... ]

Because I'm not, am I? That's... that's the reality of it. No matter how hard I keep trying to change that... if I lose control or if I lose myself... she'd be at risk.

[ And he WILL lose that. ... Ironic, that Death would die in that way. ]

I... I'm sorry. I don't... all I do is make it worse. I guess in the end that's the purpose of what I am. Isn't that what a Shadow is? Negativity...

[ So why does he keep trying? Maybe because he believes he can fix it SOMEHOW. Even then... he looks like he can't even focus on the communicator and like he might hang up at any second.

Perhaps bury himself somewhere for a month. He doesn't know, really. ]

[Just. Tiredness. He's not even going to bother hiding it when it's all he feels right now. Hiding things isn't his style.]

..Giving up is never the answer, Ryoji-kun.

No matter how bad things get, sometimes, there is always hope that tomorrow will be just a little bit brighter. And if tomorrow can be, then that's what's worth working towards.

I'll speak with Effy.

But Ryoji...if someone wants to be your friend, you don't have to show them how dangerous you are. After all...that's their choice to make. They'll be alright--you won't lose control.

Edited 2011-07-20 08:27 (UTC)

... I'm sorry. You're right. I keep making things worse for you, when I'm trying to do the opposite...

[ He wipes at his eyes a bit, sighing. He knows Minato has a point. But tomorrow seemed awfully far away from today.

He'd... get through this. Somehow. ]

It feels like it's too much to ask that I can prove that true, Minato. ... I don't know anymore. I... only want to be able to say with confidence "I'm me," but... I don't even know myself anymore... I can't even tell how I feel about anything...

[ He looks down. ]

I'll... figure it out on my own. But... the rest. I'm not sure how to do anything. I'd talk to her myself, but that might make it worse...

[...He shakes his head slowly.]

...Why? Why do you have to do it by yourself?

You have people here who are willing to help you. You don't have to push people away.

... Because I can't keep dragging everyone down with me even if I'm trying to help. Isn't that... what I always do?

[ He quietly looks down. ]

I... I'm sorry. I'm sorry...

[ It's all he can voice right now. He's... equally tired. Hurt and tired and he wishes he knew what to DO.

It seemed like all he could ever do was offer false apologies. Ryoji's grip on the SFC is trembling as the camera is directed away from his face; he can't bear to let Minato see him fight these tears. ]

[He's quiet for a long moment.

But when he speaks, his tone is firm.]

As far as I can tell, you haven't dragged anyone down with you--because you haven't messed up, Ryoji-kun.

Orihara-san is still alive. Effy is still alive and will be just fine.

You shouldn't be sorry....not when you haven't done anything wrong.

... If anyone else had said it, I might have doubted it.

[ He still sort of does. But... that would mean doubting Minato as well, and he had no reason to lie to him. ]

But she isn't fine. I mean, she isn't hurt, but...

[ ... Sigh. What does he do about this? ]

I want to protect her from... from that. What if I leave? What if I come back and it's not me anymore? You promised you would stop me, but I would cause as much pain and suffering as possible to people like Effy.

People who desire it, or fight it.

... I can tell she did. I can feel when people have before...

[ He is silent for a very long time. ]

I didn't want to tell her like that... but what was I supposed to do? She wouldn't take me seriously...

Ryoji, you need to have more faith in your friends.

Effy is who she is--and she has made it this far. She has seen what you are and she will be fine, because she's stronger than you're giving her credit for.

You did what you felt you had to do. Now you have to take responsibility for your actions and do your best to mend your relationship.

I will speak with Effy to make sure that she is doing alright. But I won't do anything else.

[This is up to you, bro.]

But you need to have faith in us. She is strong...and I made you that promise. I don't break my promises.

[If Ryoji does come back as something inhuman, he will stop him. He promised.]

[ ... Was it a lack of faith? He wasn't sure. He bites his lip.

There's... really too many things running through his mind for him to properly voice right now. ]

... Faith...

[ Was that it? He wasn't really entirely sure anymore, but... others had proved to him why he cared for humanity so much.

He wants to understand. He knows this is something he has to do on his own. He's afraid--probably more of being hated than anything. ]

...And in yourself as well.

Because if you don't have faith in yourself...who will have faith in you?

You have to believe in yourself so that others will too. And believe in your friends so that they can return the favor.

[ He's quiet for a long time.

Faith in himself? ]

Maybe I just need some time to think about this.

[ About everything. Too much has happened lately. ]

... I'll talk to her after I give her some space.

[He nods quietly.]

...You have time here, Ryoji-kun. Make use of it.

[ His response is quiet as well. ]

... I will.

[ That's all he says before hanging up, though. Guilt... he was so tired of it, carrying all this guilt over everything. But he really deserved it, didn't he? He knew he did, no matter what Minato said. ]

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