messianic | IC

[ she... isn't sure what to say. here, coping with her grief was as easy as shoving it to the back of her mind and focusing on the fact that minato was here, for the time being. maybe it's unhealthy to cling to the present state of affairs while fearing an inevitability, but...

how else is she supposed to process this?

it isn't fair to minato to burden him with the repercussions of a decision he had to make, when she should be capable enough to find strength in the life he'd died to give them. but... she can't. his death weighed on her more than she thought anything could have--there were too many feelings, too much grief, to the point of not wanting to feel at all.

and because of it, even now, she couldn't really protect him... that isn't what he needs. not when he's-- everything he's done...

her hand, still in minato's, squeezes weakly. ]

... Please don't apologize. I'm...

[ --coping? badly? what can she say, when what she's been ignoring is shown so clearly, just like that.

it wasn't his fault she wasn't strong enough. but she should be. should be, so she gathers all her will, and manages: ]

There isn't anything you should apologize for... And I'm... I'm okay now, so...

... Aigis...

[He breathes that out with a soft sigh, and then shifts to face her properly, moving to place his free hand gently on her shoulder.

And, firmly:]

It's okay if you aren't. If you aren't okay yet...

[He shakes his head quietly.]

I don't want you to force yourself to be. I... it might take some time... and that's okay.

[He doesn't want her to cut off her own grief for his sake, that's for sure. That... would be even worse than seeing her this sad.]

[ ... she admittedly almost glances away from him at that outright confrontation of her emotions, but with his hand on her shoulder she doesn't. this is a conversation she both does and doesn't want to have... yet she isn't sure how much longer she can ignore this state of being, dwelling in the middle of willful ignorance and painful acceptance.

aigis opens her mouth to speak... closes it. and she looks terribly frustrated all of a sudden. ]

I...

[ "how much time?" is a question she wants to ask, but it's a question she's sure doesn't have a definitive answer. how much time until she stops thinking of the what ifs, how much time until she's okay with the concept that she might wake up one day and he just wouldn't be there? is there a time like that?

she looks to the floor. and when she speaks next, her words are soft. ]

Are your thoughts on this as confusing as mine, Minato-san...?

[ she worries for him just as much as she grieves for him, as nonsensical as that is at this moment, in this in-between they're in now-- ]

[He doesn't really think he's managed to get through to her, and he can't blame her for that. Grief...is hard. It's something that he accepts, that he's used to perhaps more than anyone. But for Aigis...

She's still learning how to grieve for herself, isn't she?

Quietly, Minato breathes out a soft sigh, his own gaze growing a little more distant. That question...]

... Yeah, they are. [If he's completely, totally honest... then he has to admit to it. Aigis deserves his honesty.]

Sometimes, I guess... it doesn't completely feel real.

[Or like it's a second chance that he doesn't know what to make of, that he's not using it properly, that he's not living life to the fullest.]

... But even if I don't understand, I'm grateful for it anyway.

[ not feeling completely real is something that she can understand, though she realizes that it's most likely amplified on minato's end. aigis is attentive to his every word, quietly sorting out her own thoughts in the process.

which... still don't get quite sorted out, honestly, but it is what it is. ]

I see... [ hm. ] I'm sorry... It isn't fair of me to act this way, when you're right here.

[ is what she manages first, because she is.

she'd rather focus on what's here rather than what's happened and what can possibly happen, but... it seems like this is a hurdle she just keeps coming to, just like home. ]

Even that question was...

[ it's a little unfair too? mm. she shakes her head softly, as if trying to will those unwanted emotions away. ]

It was fair.

[Firmly. That's said firmly, because Aigis is so concerned about him that...she's not letting herself feel how she's feeling, right?

That's not right at all.

So quietly, he shakes his head, and just as quietly:]

I want you to say the things you want to say... and feel the things you're feeling. I don't want you to try to change them just to try to protect my feelings.

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