messianic | IC

[ existing is hard when you're trying to live your life in chroma-land. the forest is off the checklist, and now it's time for weirdo memory sharing that they're both probably mildly aware of, due to levy's blessed guidance.

and while aigis isn't too sure what triggers it, she's not incredibly interested in encroaching on people's personal details like that. especially not minato's... even if they do have a lot of shared experiences.

so when minato does find aigis this morning at home, she's covering the side of her face with a hand, avoiding eye contact.

and then waving with the other.

saying nothing.

nailed it. ]

[AIGIS, ABOUT THAT FOREST EXPERIENCE--

But.

Anyway.

Minato's figured this out by now too (though he's yet to figure out his own trigger), and he...sighs a little... when he sees her practically putting herself in the corner, but waving at him anyway.

Ah.]

Aigis...

[Ha...]

Kind of invasive, right...?

[ forest what, forest who--

has anyone ever really seen a robot tense...? can robots tense? well, aigis sure does--judging from the way she seems to expect something to come when minato speaks to her.

but... it doesn't. there's no horrible invasion of privacy just yet, though aigis remains analyzing the silence for the smallest moment afterwards just in case.

it's safe...? uncertainly: ]

Minato-san...

[ pause.

analyzing that silence too...

and finally, she relaxes. the hand remains up, shielding her face just in case--but at least she knows she can speak? maybe? ]

... It is. I'm sorry to greet you this way... I don't want to see what I shouldn't.

[ they're people's memories... ]

[That's...fair, honestly. Aigis is just trying to respect everyone's boundaries, and Minato sighs softly.]

Yeah... you're not doing anything wrong.

It's not your fault the town's doing this, so...it's okay.

[Minato's expression is a little rueful, but he's just going to come over and...sit next to her, but not make eye contact still.]

I don't even know exactly what's causing it yet.

[ not that she expected minato to... well, not understand... but hearing confirmation that he's not offended by her complete lack of eye contact is nice.

though she still feels completely odd. ]

Mm... My encounter with Levy-sa-- [ ahem ] I mean, Levy-chan... had too many potential triggers to pinpoint just one cause.

[ and honestly, she trusts he'd probably figure it out before she did. he's been here longer, but-- you know, he's also Leader, so. ]

At least we can speak to each other without being affected. Even if it's like this...

[ trying to toe around flags that she doesn't really know the existence of. ]

[So they're just going to awkwardly try to avoid all possible triggers of this until they ultimately fail...a good plan, team.]

Same here... it really could have been anything.

That's how this place works, too. It's not really held back by things like "logic" or "reasonable" most of the time.

[Isn't that reassuring, Aigis!!

Still, speaking of Levy...]

Are you getting along with her okay? Levy-chan, I mean.

[ well. okay. that really is reassuring!! it really is to be expected though, given the whole... everything they have to deal with here. how they arrived, what they're experiencing--

--she tries not to let her slight frustration show.

which is easy enough, when the topic gets to levy. if anything, her expression warms a little. ]

I feel it would be difficult not to. [ for obvious reasons. ] Not simply because we're friends, but...

[ her personality. it's a different kind of ease that she feels when around minato... but there's a nice simplicity to it nonetheless. ]

... She is very kind.

[Ah... that's good to hear. Minato smiles a little to himself, nodding.

Levy seemed sweet to him too--he's glad that she's being a good friend to Aigis; Aigis needs to be able to make some extra friends, right?

It can only be healthy for her to have more friends in her life.

(And maybe then, their inevitable separation will be...less bad.

Maybe....)]

I'm really glad to hear that. I didn't expect to end up with a few new roommates... sorry for putting you in a room with a stranger.

[ (no, it will not.)

at minato's apology, aigis shakes her head. funny that minato ended up with no one in the house, to everyone in the house... but she really doesn't mind sharing. ]

It's okay. I don't need much space, and...

[ there's a hesitant pause here.

ah...

aigis is dropping the hand that's shielding her face now, just to test whether that's really necessary as they talk. why she decides that particular moment to do that-- well. maybe she just needs to move a bit, as she folds her hands in front of her. ]

... The company is comforting. [ .... ] Having more people in the house reminds me of the dorms.

[ is that a cruel thing to say...? ]

[So far so good with the memory sharing... it's inevitable eventually, probably, but for now...]

... Yeah, me too.

[It's fine. It might be a little cruel, but it's not on purpose. Besides... it's true. So there's a rueful tilt to his mouth.]

It gets lonely when nobody's around. I guess... I got a little too used to always having someone there.

[ she almost turns to look at him--but fortunately stops herself, just in time, staring instead at her hands. ]

It's the same for me as well...

[ (and for a moment she thinks back on her decision to go back to the lab at home, wondering if she was going to give that all up, in a way--) ]

... Um, but please don't worry, Minato-san. I'll... be here, to ensure that you are not lonely.

[ val and levy, as well. plus the rest of minato's friends... for however long they have. ]

[Why is Aigis so sweet all the time... Minato blinks slowly--and then he smiles, eyes sliding shut for a moment.]

... Thanks, Aigis. And I'll be here too, to make sure that you're not lonely too.

[But even though he's made friends here, and people he treasures...

It's different having Aigis here. She's part of his family, the first family he ever properly had, and that's... important to him.]

[ ... haha. there's always that odd feeling in her chest whenever minato says he'll be here--a warmth, but also a fear... for obvious reasons. as long as he's present, though, it's true--she won't be lonely.

( yet what happens when he's not...?

she can't fear it. she shouldn't... )

she unfolds her hands, then shifts the closest one to minato towards him, the palm facing upwards. ]

... I know I won't be. Thank you...

[He glances over at the hand she offers, palm up--and quietly, he reaches over to rest his hand on hers, lightly.

(They're lucky touch is not one of his memory triggers, apparently... it's fine.)

Minato just shakes his head, because if anything, he knows Aigis shouldn't be thanking him for anything. He knows... he's still the one who put her in this situation, right?]

... We'll probably end up sharing memories eventually. It's just how this place seems to work--it's hard to avoid when it wants you to do something.

[ thanks for jinxing it, minato, because it sure is one of hers. it starts when he finishes speaking, a slight widening of aigis's eyes--

... and the memory is sort of odd, actually. physically--there's a sense of being there, in the total darkness, but... not? yet there's aigis anyway, sitting, her knees drawn up to her chest, staring at seemingly--well, nothing.

there's nothing.

until there isn't.

it's probably weird to see himself, but minato's there, in the distance, just as aigis looks up. she pushes herself to stand so quickly; every movement immediate, fervent, necessary, as her voice echoes in the emptiness:

"Minato-san..."

he glances at her, her outstretched hand... and walks away. it's here that she becomes more panicked. there's an exhaustion that settles in, that minato can feel, as she runs and runs and runs and runs, but it's not enough. it's never enough. aigis falls, her body colliding with a floor that doesn't seem to be there.

when she glances up through the dull ache, he's farther and farther away, even as she yells at him (wait, please, stop--), until he's... gone.

and it all cuts. there's the jolt one gets when waking from sleep, and like in the dream, there's aigis. just aigis. she sits in the chair in her room, alone, with only the sounds of movement outside her room as company.

there's a slight clang as the back of her head hits the cold metal of her "bed". she's tired...

"When will it stop...?"

is the last thing asked, cutting through the quiet. and for the present aigis, even when the memory ends and she sits there, shocked and shamed-- ]

I...

[ --it still hasn't. ]

[... Oh.

Oh no.

There were a lot of memories of Aigis' he thinks he could've seen--but the fact that he saw this one is... undoubtedly very purposeful on behalf of this place. It takes his breath away, and not in a good way; seeing her misery over him, seeing the way she's left alone, hearing her words--

(He did this to her.

This is entirely, completely his fault. But he doesn't know how to fix it, and he doesn't know how to stop hurting her, and that's the last thing Aigis deserves.

How could he have done this to her?)

Minato's breath is shaky as he drags a breath in. He can tell easily by her quiet trailing off that...even now, that's...]

... I'm sorry...

[Shakily, he breathes that out, eyes fixed on the ground.]

I... ["Didn't realize"? How trite is that. He'd spared a thought for how much his team would hurt, of course, but it had been worth it to save their lives.

But now... now he's realizing that it's really not that simple at all, is it?]

[ she... isn't sure what to say. here, coping with her grief was as easy as shoving it to the back of her mind and focusing on the fact that minato was here, for the time being. maybe it's unhealthy to cling to the present state of affairs while fearing an inevitability, but...

how else is she supposed to process this?

it isn't fair to minato to burden him with the repercussions of a decision he had to make, when she should be capable enough to find strength in the life he'd died to give them. but... she can't. his death weighed on her more than she thought anything could have--there were too many feelings, too much grief, to the point of not wanting to feel at all.

and because of it, even now, she couldn't really protect him... that isn't what he needs. not when he's-- everything he's done...

her hand, still in minato's, squeezes weakly. ]

... Please don't apologize. I'm...

[ --coping? badly? what can she say, when what she's been ignoring is shown so clearly, just like that.

it wasn't his fault she wasn't strong enough. but she should be. should be, so she gathers all her will, and manages: ]

There isn't anything you should apologize for... And I'm... I'm okay now, so...

... Aigis...

[He breathes that out with a soft sigh, and then shifts to face her properly, moving to place his free hand gently on her shoulder.

And, firmly:]

It's okay if you aren't. If you aren't okay yet...

[He shakes his head quietly.]

I don't want you to force yourself to be. I... it might take some time... and that's okay.

[He doesn't want her to cut off her own grief for his sake, that's for sure. That... would be even worse than seeing her this sad.]

[ ... she admittedly almost glances away from him at that outright confrontation of her emotions, but with his hand on her shoulder she doesn't. this is a conversation she both does and doesn't want to have... yet she isn't sure how much longer she can ignore this state of being, dwelling in the middle of willful ignorance and painful acceptance.

aigis opens her mouth to speak... closes it. and she looks terribly frustrated all of a sudden. ]

I...

[ "how much time?" is a question she wants to ask, but it's a question she's sure doesn't have a definitive answer. how much time until she stops thinking of the what ifs, how much time until she's okay with the concept that she might wake up one day and he just wouldn't be there? is there a time like that?

she looks to the floor. and when she speaks next, her words are soft. ]

Are your thoughts on this as confusing as mine, Minato-san...?

[ she worries for him just as much as she grieves for him, as nonsensical as that is at this moment, in this in-between they're in now-- ]

[He doesn't really think he's managed to get through to her, and he can't blame her for that. Grief...is hard. It's something that he accepts, that he's used to perhaps more than anyone. But for Aigis...

She's still learning how to grieve for herself, isn't she?

Quietly, Minato breathes out a soft sigh, his own gaze growing a little more distant. That question...]

... Yeah, they are. [If he's completely, totally honest... then he has to admit to it. Aigis deserves his honesty.]

Sometimes, I guess... it doesn't completely feel real.

[Or like it's a second chance that he doesn't know what to make of, that he's not using it properly, that he's not living life to the fullest.]

... But even if I don't understand, I'm grateful for it anyway.

[ not feeling completely real is something that she can understand, though she realizes that it's most likely amplified on minato's end. aigis is attentive to his every word, quietly sorting out her own thoughts in the process.

which... still don't get quite sorted out, honestly, but it is what it is. ]

I see... [ hm. ] I'm sorry... It isn't fair of me to act this way, when you're right here.

[ is what she manages first, because she is.

she'd rather focus on what's here rather than what's happened and what can possibly happen, but... it seems like this is a hurdle she just keeps coming to, just like home. ]

Even that question was...

[ it's a little unfair too? mm. she shakes her head softly, as if trying to will those unwanted emotions away. ]

It was fair.

[Firmly. That's said firmly, because Aigis is so concerned about him that...she's not letting herself feel how she's feeling, right?

That's not right at all.

So quietly, he shakes his head, and just as quietly:]

I want you to say the things you want to say... and feel the things you're feeling. I don't want you to try to change them just to try to protect my feelings.

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